urghh ... the tears dont stop. but they dont drop either. they just stay. welling up my eyes and making it hard to see every so often. he talks about how he has no one else in the world who he enjoys talking to. the other one tells me im the one thing that cheers him up (and even i didnt work yesterday). she started crying and said she doesnt have the will to live anymore. she was feeling sorry for herself just like we all do. my sitting with her made her laugh. he sat there depressed (just because he was) and i felt guilty for having fun with the others.
i need people im comfortable with. i need people who i owe nothing and who owe me the same. (somehow i dont see the 2 happening together) i need to unload. i need someone who gives a fucking shit. I need to not be continually dragged down by the weight of guilt and fuckedupness thats attached to all interaction with all people.
...sigh ,.... a way out.


fucking screaam!!!

Tonight you stoop to my level.
I'm your mangy little whore.
Now you're trying to find your underwear,
and your socks,
and then the door.
And you're trying to find a reason
why you have to leave.
I know it's cuz you think you're Adam
and you think I'm Eve.
And you rhapsodize about beauty
and my eyes glaze.
Everything I love is ugly,
I mean really --you would be amazed.
And just do me a favor,
it's the least that you can do.
Just um...don't treat me like I am
something that happened to you.
I am...I am...I am...truly sorry,
sorry about all this.
And you plot a tiny pin prick
in my big red balloon.
As I slowly start to exhale,
it's when you leave the room.
And I did not design this game.
I did not name the stakes.
I just happen to like apples,
nd I am not afraid of snakes.
I am...I am...I am...truly sorry about all this.
I hear you and your anger hurts
I hear that it's with, with
with....So I let go the ratio
things set, things hurt.
As I leave you to your garden,
and the beauty you prefer.
I wonder whether this will have meaning
for you, when you've left it all behind.
I think I'll even wonder
if you meant it at the time.



lifted from anothers blog .... hepppy burday number time!! :P

1 of me is more then enough
2 siblings
3 2 siblings + 1 more
4 loved dressing my little brother in my dresses heheh *b.e.g*
5 years and counting *Mashallah*
6 got Rs 2 for pocket money everyday ...spent it on icelollies
7 and its multiples ;)
8 kicked ass at dancing statues
9 was the hula hoop champion
10 cried cuz i was leaving junior school to go to senior school (around the corner)
11 friends in my bubble
12 put on barely there makeup and went to the sindclub gala feeling very grown up
13 put on the puppy fat (it refusing to fucking go *groan*)
14 attempted to go goth
15 was difficult (cant remember why though)
16 got a rose, teddy bear and asked out for the 1st time
17 thats the one
18 lived on my own (sort of;))
19 great films i still haveto havto watch
20 hum chaar on the chautha floor
21 wasnt as big a deal.. i was in mtl
22 life as a bumming bum

23 starting life or at least trying to.......

tried this before but blogger didnt cooperate ...so0o here we go again

5 years ago: in A'levels 2nd yr... all googly eyed and generally having the "time of our lives"
1 year ago: finishing up university and pretending that i would not be spending the next year as bumm ...i even managed it for a while
5 songs i know all the words to: song words usually get burned into my brain especially the cheesy poppy oness and the jhatkas and matkas ones :P i know them ALL!!!
5 things I'd do with a million dollars: buy Giftsss!! find a way of being able to have an actual working soundtrack to my life!! take all my friends on a beachyy weachy vacation!!... invest some and splurrrrged the restt!!!
5 places i would run away to: mtl, my bed, my frnds, the beach, a custom made hole
5 things i would never wear: im retarded enough to wear anything given the right mood/frame of mind/amt of money involved
5 greatest joys: o0ohh no i have so0o manyyyy..im very very easily joyed...but if it has to be listed then Hugggs&Snuggles, DANCING, lazinggg in the sun, chilling/bumming/bonding w/ the frndships and ofcourse all things moan-worthy (like back scratches & the mirchi end bit of chilli chips :P) the sky, sunflowers, the right music at the right time ...so so many joys
5 favourite toys: my camera, my little sister, anything i can fiddle around w/ and that can keep me entertained

i tag whoever reads this and hasnt been already tagged... your it :P

every once in a while it hits me that it could all be over at any point w/in the next ten years ten days ten minutes ...and that scares the fucking bejeebers out of me ...my insides twist into a scrunched up ball and roll to a side... not for fear of death and what it will bring ...but for the realization that i have nothing to my credit! nothing to show for these 22 years ten months and ten days ...and with every day that i let pass i get closer to my final ten on earth ... fuck ..and the thing is that if i think about this any more then a preallocated few minutes i may as well be coiled up in pool of tears in a corner somewhere! so bus!
i need to get to it ... start my own pile of accomplishments already rather then standing there with a dry open mouth staring enviously at those of others...
thats why.....
thats why i need to get moving! get there quick! before my time runs out... start my life. start something. anything. i can be happy with. proud of. something mine....

*hate this ball of hollow fears*

its 5:08am i should sleep... i have things to do tommorow ..i dont want to be sleeping in too late ... i probably will ... thats not a good thing ... i should sleep ... but sitting in this half empty room...lit only by the light of this computer screen... listening to this music ..and more so the burble of rain on the the other side of my window.... feeling this breeze ...feeling this way .... i should sleep ... but ....


:P

fuck.streaming
bodies in motion.
oceans.
swimming beneath
turning/twisting/writhing
in these storms
making you. mine.
mine.
becoming. something
that could have been
you.
dark. beads of sweat
mixing in
with the darkness of day
stop me. not. now
we have far
far
left those lines behind