flying across these keys

2006-03-10T05:01:00.000-05:00

urghh ... the tears dont stop. but they dont drop either. they just stay. welling up my eyes and making it hard to see every so often. he talks about how he has no one else in the world who he enjoys talking to. the other one tells me im the one thing that cheers him up (and even i didnt work yesterday). she started crying and said she doesnt have the will to live anymore. she was feeling sorry for herself just like we all do. my sitting with her made her laugh. he sat there depressed (just because he was) and i felt guilty for having fun with the others.
i need people im comfortable with. i need people who i owe nothing and who owe me the same. (somehow i dont see the 2 happening together) i need to unload. i need someone who gives a fucking shit. I need to not be continually dragged down by the weight of guilt and fuckedupness thats attached to all interaction with all people.
...sigh ,.... a way out.

fucking screaam!!!

2005-11-19T04:44:00.000-05:00

Tonight you stoop to my level.
I'm your mangy little whore.
Now you're trying to find your underwear,
and your socks,
and then the door.
And you're trying to find a reason
why you have to leave.
I know it's cuz you think you're Adam
and you think I'm Eve.
And you rhapsodize about beauty
and my eyes glaze.
Everything I love is ugly,
I mean really --you would be amazed.
And just do me a favor,
it's the least that you can do.
Just um...don't treat me like I am
something that happened to you.
I am...I am...I am...truly sorry,
sorry about all this.
And you plot a tiny pin prick
in my big red balloon.
As I slowly start to exhale,
it's when you leave the room.
And I did not design this game.
I did not name the stakes.
I just happen to like apples,
nd I am not afraid of snakes.
I am...I am...I am...truly sorry about all this.
I hear you and your anger hurts
I hear that it's with, with
with....So I let go the ratio
things set, things hurt.
As I leave you to your garden,
and the beauty you prefer.
I wonder whether this will have meaning
for you, when you've left it all behind.
I think I'll even wonder
if you meant it at the time.

-- Ani Difranco (ofcourse)

counting the numbers its taken to be me .....

2005-11-13T08:51:00.000-05:00

lifted from anothers blog .... hepppy burday number time!! :P

1 of me is more then enough
2 siblings
3 2 siblings + 1 more
4 loved dressing my little brother in my dresses heheh *b.e.g*
5 years and counting *Mashallah*
6 got Rs 2 for pocket money everyday ...spent it on icelollies
7 and its multiples ;)
8 kicked ass at dancing statues
9 was the hula hoop champion
10 cried cuz i was leaving junior school to go to senior school (around the corner)
11 friends in my bubble
12 put on barely there makeup and went to the sindclub gala feeling very grown up
13 put on the puppy fat (it refusing to fucking go *groan*)
14 attempted to go goth
15 was difficult (cant remember why though)
16 got a rose, teddy bear and asked out for the 1st time
17 thats the one
18 lived on my own (sort of;))
19 great films i still haveto havto watch
20 hum chaar on the chautha floor
21 wasnt as big a deal.. i was in mtl
22 life as a bumming bum

23 starting life or at least trying to.......

2005-10-04T21:43:00.000-04:00

tried this before but blogger didnt cooperate ...so0o here we go again

5 years ago: in A'levels 2nd yr... all googly eyed and generally having the "time of our lives"
1 year ago: finishing up university and pretending that i would not be spending the next year as bumm ...i even managed it for a while
5 songs i know all the words to: song words usually get burned into my brain especially the cheesy poppy oness and the jhatkas and matkas ones :P i know them ALL!!!
5 things I'd do with a million dollars: buy Giftsss!! find a way of being able to have an actual working soundtrack to my life!! take all my friends on a beachyy weachy vacation!!... invest some and splurrrrged the restt!!!
5 places i would run away to: mtl, my bed, my frnds, the beach, a custom made hole
5 things i would never wear: im retarded enough to wear anything given the right mood/frame of mind/amt of money involved
5 greatest joys: o0ohh no i have so0o manyyyy..im very very easily joyed...but if it has to be listed then Hugggs&Snuggles, DANCING, lazinggg in the sun, chilling/bumming/bonding w/ the frndships and ofcourse all things moan-worthy (like back scratches & the mirchi end bit of chilli chips :P) the sky, sunflowers, the right music at the right time ...so so many joys
5 favourite toys: my camera, my little sister, anything i can fiddle around w/ and that can keep me entertained

i tag whoever reads this and hasnt been already tagged... your it :P

times running out...hurry the fuck up will you!!!

2005-08-30T12:35:00.000-04:00

every once in a while it hits me that it could all be over at any point w/in the next ten years ten days ten minutes ...and that scares the fucking bejeebers out of me ...my insides twist into a scrunched up ball and roll to a side... not for fear of death and what it will bring ...but for the realization that i have nothing to my credit! nothing to show for these 22 years ten months and ten days ...and with every day that i let pass i get closer to my final ten on earth ... fuck ..and the thing is that if i think about this any more then a preallocated few minutes i may as well be coiled up in pool of tears in a corner somewhere! so bus!
i need to get to it ... start my own pile of accomplishments already rather then standing there with a dry open mouth staring enviously at those of others...
thats why.....
thats why i need to get moving! get there quick! before my time runs out... start my life. start something. anything. i can be happy with. proud of. something mine....

*hate this ball of hollow fears*

2005-08-28T05:05:00.000-04:00

its 5:08am i should sleep... i have things to do tommorow ..i dont want to be sleeping in too late ... i probably will ... thats not a good thing ... i should sleep ... but sitting in this half empty room...lit only by the light of this computer screen... listening to this music ..and more so the burble of rain on the the other side of my window.... feeling this breeze ...feeling this way .... i should sleep ... but ....

:P

2005-08-26T14:40:00.000-04:00

fuck.streaming
bodies in motion.
oceans.
swimming beneath
turning/twisting/writhing
in these storms
making you. mine.
mine.
becoming. something
that could have been
you.
dark. beads of sweat
mixing in
with the darkness of day
stop me. not. now
we have far
far
left those lines behind

Sawing it open....

2005-08-24T18:59:00.000-04:00

Sawing it open was a tedious task, and her arms were starting to tire, and yet she kept going. It was the promise of all that lay inside, which, kept her going. Each slice brought her closer to her dream of finally being able to look inside. Now, she would be able to look as long and as hard as she wanted. No one could stop her. No one could reproach her. She could lose herself exploring each and every inch, nook and cranny of this unknown land. Three more vigorous strokes and just like that its cover rolled off to a side. And there it was, right in front of her eyes. Open. Exposed. Finally! Greedily, she reached inside, the sensation of her fingers melting into its caverns, sending chills down her spine. She pulled it out of its shell and held it close. Caressing its every curve. Savoring its velvety feel. Finally, she gently placed it on the table in front of her and stared at it to her hearts content. She poked at it, prodded it, peered into its corners and when she no longer felt the heat of the afternoon sun beating on her back, she picked the carving knife and brought it down, cutting into its very core. Had she stopped for a moment, she might have heard its screams pierce the thin air, but she didn’t. She kept going, digging in deeper and deeper, as far as she could go. With one hand she wiped off the sweat on her brow and with the other she now reached for the fork. She wasn’t getting what she wanted and she knew she had to go further. Swiftly, she urged in the utensil to force out a wedge and held it up to her face. She eyed it. And then, without looking back at his lifeless body, lying at her feet, or his skull split in two; she opened her mouth and took a bite of that which she had once envied so. She closed her eyes, relishing its sharp taste and consuming texture, and blissfully chewed away.

24.08.05
11:17am

2005-08-18T14:48:00.000-04:00

2005-08-16T14:13:00.000-04:00

It wasnt till after I sliced open my words right there on the clean cold marble counter that I saw the extent to which you filled me.

2005-08-02T16:30:00.000-04:00

2005-08-02T16:24:00.000-04:00

2005-06-23T01:24:00.000-04:00

listening to the blower's daughter by damien rice..... absolutly love the sound .... his voice... the melody... its a sad song but its beautiful so you almost forget about its sadness ...not good at writing about things that are so sensory for me.....

also watched wonderboys ... good film ./ interesting for the writers camoflaging as bloggers......

sigh* been pmsing for 3 days before it even started ....dont thnk iv ever been so glad about my fucking period starting ...i thought maybe i was going psycho or menopausal at 22... was kinda creeped out in an irritated pmsy way ofcourse ...... now that its started im just pmsing normal. fucking periods. urgh*

the moon was yellow today and full ..... kinda beautiful in a throw-upy way ....not really ... it was quite cool .... im just pissy and pmsy...yea yea im not getting over it so whatever the fuck.... so yea .... have decided to restart the diary type writing thingy ...just cuz its fun and i get to ramble out crap which makes it double the funfun .... so yea im sleepy .... too much craziness in general .... iv been feeling imbalanced ...like my moons are not aligned or something that could make sense of how iv been feeling ...but yea thats what its been like .... sorta ....
i duno0o ....i dont even know if i have anything to say really .....

i just enjoy the feeling of words coming out of my head and the feeling of my fingers flying across these keys

colour quizing myself

2005-06-23T01:22:00.000-04:00

Your Existing Situation
Working to create for herself a firm foundation on which to erect a secure, comfortable, and problem-free future, in which she will be granted respect and recognition.
Your Stress Sources
An existing situation or relationship is unsatisfactory, but she feels unable to improve it without willing cooperation. Unwilling to expose her vulnerability and therefore considers it inadvisable to display affection or to be over-demonstrative. She regards the relationship as a depressing tie but, although she wants to be independent and unhampered, she does not want to risk losing anything. All this leads her to react touchily and with impatience, while the urge to 'get away from it all' results in considerable restlessness. The ability to concentrate may suffer.
Your Restrained Characteristics
Willing to become emotionally involved as she feels rater isolated and alone. Egocentric and therefore quick to take offense, though she tries to avoid open conflict.
Your Desired Objective
Seeks success, stimulation, and a life full of experience. Wants to develop freely and to shake off the shackles of self-doubt, to win, and to live intensely. Likes contacts with others and is enthusiastic by nature. Receptive to anything new, modern, or intriguing; has many interests and wants to expand her fields of activity. Optimistic about the future.
Your Actual Problem
Fights against restriction or limitation, and insists on developing freely as a result of her own efforts.
Your Actual Problem #2
Anxiety and restless dissatisfaction, either with circumstances or with unfulfilled emotional requirements, have produced stress. She tries to escape by intense activity, directed either towards personal success or towards variety of experience.

--colorquiz.com

2005-06-17T12:25:00.000-04:00

Sinking, feeling Spin me around again And rub my eyes This can't be happening

2005-06-04T15:53:00.000-04:00

Your score as a human being is 82.05.
You are close to ideal. So close, and yet so far. Amusing, really, to watch someone squirm so close to the vaunted ranks of perfection and still remain so very, very ordinary. It is all one can do to keep one's ingratiating smile from polluting one's perfect face.

http://hokev.brinkster.net/quiz/default.asp?quiz=Better+Person&page=1

2005-05-21T03:57:00.000-04:00

imagining my life is a prettier shade of pink...maybe even fushia... this is me swimming in dreams which wont come true,,,, bathing in a puddles imaginging them to be pools of gold maybe.....

2005-05-12T04:24:00.000-04:00

vacationing in L.A. !!! eat ur heart out bitches*

2005-04-20T18:17:00.000-04:00

-
*smudge

with my silly little wounds

2005-04-11T06:28:00.000-04:00

*Sigh*
*smudge

listing my list of grievances for the day

2005-04-11T03:35:00.000-04:00

1-i have a 20-fucking-pg paper to write which is probably why i have so mush time to sit and make this list *urgh*blast me*
2-i bought a beautiful necklace 3 days ago and R nazarofied it and yesterday it fell off and now its lost forever!
3-the purrty pink stone in my belly button ring (that i got made from khi) also fell off!! now it looks like something out of a horror film ..i duno0o why but it does.
4-i feel shitty and theres no one to hug me
5-i look gifuckinnourmous in all the pics from last night
6-i feel GI-FUCKING-NOURMOUS
7-and ugly. no wait make that fugly
8-iv realized that i abuse waaayyy too much when im high or intoxicated on anything
9-i still cant speak french or understand it *daymn the language*
10-i still havnt gotten a job
11-or a vacation
12-iv been smoking waaay too much these past few days

13-im sitting here making a list of grievance. now thats a fucking grievance

14-im such a fucking coward

PROCRASTINATING

2005-03-30T01:51:00.000-05:00

always always procrastinating. Just at the point when i have the most work to do i will get inspired want to paint want to write want to fly!! at other times ....nothing!
*URGH* what a pain i am. *sigh* ...o well ....back to the papers. fuck. its 1:52 am. why do i do this to myself? everytime. without fail.

telling you to

2005-03-17T02:07:00.000-05:00

Go fart peas at the MOON!!

in awe*

2005-03-14T15:59:00.000-05:00

David LaChapelle ~ what a photographer.

*smudge

STAGNANT

2005-03-11T18:19:00.000-05:00

...trying to breathe...

..ANTISOCIAL

2005-03-05T03:02:00.000-05:00

listening to nusrat fateh ali and matchbox 20.

2005-03-04T18:18:00.000-05:00

DD
*smudge

...taking a "stupid pointless quiz". :)

2005-03-04T05:08:00.000-05:00

courtesy tree-elf :P

spell your name backwards: no!
have you ever had a song written about you: iv had song lyrics adapted so that they become abt me :)
what song makes you cry: the song abt kids running away from home or getting kidnapped ...urgh cant remeber what it was called.... realy depressing video and all ...crap why cant i remeber the name
what song makes you laugh: parosan apni murghi ko rakhna sumbhal mera murgha hua dewana
height: 5 feet 5 inches
hair color: brown roots..burgundy ends
piercings: errr lemme count....6! 5 ear and one belly.
tattoos: soon soon!!! o0ohh escitement

Right Now . . .
what taste is in your mouth?: my own spit ?!
whats the weather like?: bitch cold.
how are you?: a little teary cuz just had a fight. better now cuz its sorta resolved
get motion sickness?: used to ..driving up to murree
have a bad habit?: hmmm ....nope im perfect
get along with your parents?: great w/ 2 oceans b/w us ...will prob deteriorate when i go back home for good :P
have a current crush: errrr ummm angelina jolie ;) o0h and the boaaayfrandship ofcourse
have a big regret: nope only lil ones.... should have gone to class today :S

FAVOURITE:
tv show: booohbah
book: memoirs of a geisha
non alchohol drink: fanta/strawberry shake/ strawberry kiwi juice
alchohol drink: "teqqqquiiiiila teqqqqquiiiiiila"
things to do on the weekend: sno0o0ozeee

Have You Ever . . .
ran away from home: no! ... prob cuz of that song that made me cry ...daymn still cant remember it.
snuck out of the house: nope but i have snuck back in. o0h and i once broke into my house
ever gone skinny dipping: no but have gone bungee jumping
skipped school: only almost all of last semester :S
had children: not that i am aware of
been in love: yes
been hurt?: ...i had a reeeeeeally bad bike accident once

Random . . .
have a job: nope ...bumming and loving it
if you were a crayon, what color would you be?: mix of red pink and orange ...and id be one of those funky ones when you put water on them they become water colours crayons :)
the next CD you're going to buy: cd?? buy?? errrr...kaza rocks!
what makes you happy?: knowing im loved. helping people. being silly.

When/What Was the Last . . .
you got a real letter: schweet vday card from L.A.
got an email: doesn junk mail count ...hmph no one mails me anymore daymnit
thing you purchased: mint choclate and scott towels
kissed: :)
you were depressed: 1 hr ago ...when i was fighting

When/What Comes to Mind When You Hear . . .
car:far
murder:cow
cape:cod
penis:shmeenus
cell:mate
shoe:shock
fun:fairy
crush:cross
music:monkey
chalk:bic (hmmm im random)

wow this really was pointless...o well sleepy timessss

..trying to get "INSPIRED"

2005-03-03T14:30:00.000-05:00

~HASEENA ATIMBUM~
*smudge

....a 22yr old fascinated, entertained, in absolute fits watching a show for pre-schoolers

2005-03-02T21:05:00.000-05:00

BOOHBAH is the most amazing colourful fun show ever! ....xcpt the part where the human kids come..
think im crazy retarded whatever ...but watching Humbah, Zumbah, Jumbah, and Jingbah and my favourite Zing Zing Zingbah (cuz he orange ofcourse), has me giggling hysterically, ancticpating with childlike wonder and i duno0o it just makes me HAPPY!!!

if you get a chance to watch it ...do so only do after leting go of your grownup piled up crapola and just watch to see if it makes you happy as well .... but i like said only the furry fun thingbahs part not the kiddie parts. :)
~bo0o0o0ohbaaaaaaaaah~

...a Superhero in need of POWERS of TELEPORTATION

2005-03-02T03:36:00.000-05:00

....not to mention aching, grumpy, pmsing, affectionate, procratinating, tired, happy.

2005-03-01T10:03:00.000-05:00

happiness ...squishiness.....smilies all round! :)(28.02.05 new mth plans went off well :))
*smudge

2005-02-28T08:58:00.000-05:00

yay

2005-02-25T20:20:00.000-05:00

how do i put this pic in my profile setting?!?1 urgh this is pissing off